Three Months without Her.

Of course all I did was think of Mom today. Whenever I think of her and the things she did and said, I have to smile. It’s only when I think of the rest of us, who can’t bear to be without her, that I cry.

I cry the most for my Dad, who can’t pretend that she’s still here and just an hour away. Every moment of every day I know he feels the loss. I know, no matter how much we love him or how much we want to spend time with him, we can’t fill the space that was Hers. I think of all the times he told me “I still get weak in the knees when I see her face.” It’s something I tell my friends when I want to give them a glimpse of the love they shared. I don’t think anyone, even those of us who lived with their love can comprehend the depth of it… and now, the depth of the loss.

But as Mom made so clear to us in her words and what she had written on the back of her prayer card, it was important to Her that our memories were happy ones. She didn’t spend her life, not even in her last months, being anything but optimistic, grateful, courageous and even happy, to her last days. And what I find most amazing is that she wasn’t faking it for us. That was the real Her. Here are Her exact words from an email (9-3-06), when I had questions about her conversation with God.

Dearest Lenore –
Yes – my darling daughter – you’ve understood. When I mention talking to God to you or any of the other kids I’m hoping to open the door to whatever kind of talk you or they feel ready for. Just remember – I promise never to put on a show, to lie or be “brave” for you. On the phone, in an e-mail, when we are alone or with people. this isn’t the time for that. Ask me anything. My answers may bring tears to your beautiful eyes but I don’t think they will make you sad.
We’ll write or talk more in the coming days and weeks. Heart to heart. I just realized what a beautiful expression that is. My heart to yours.
I love you Lenora. And because you are a mother too, you know how much.
Good night.
Mom

She was happy, she is happy and she wants us to be happy.
We miss her, she misses us and still she wants us to be happy.

I know when I’m able to laugh at things when I talk about her, it makes her laugh too.

I hope she knows how hard I try to be happy more often than sad. I know if I don’t try, she’ll be sad.

One thought on “Three Months without Her.

  1. Lenore,
    That email Mom sent you reminded me of sitting next to her at the apartment over the past year or two (either on the couch in the living room or on the bed). I can still hear her voice asking me “What else do you want to know? What other questions do you have for me?”

    I liked that she asked me that, because it told me that I wasn’t wearing her out. Or bothering her with my silly questions. I would worry that maybe I should just let her rest. But she obviously wanted to make sure there weren’t any unanswered questions. No unfinished business.

    Mostly I found myself asking her questions about her childhood and her young life when she and Dad first met, got married etc. I think I was trying to unravel the mystery of what unique combination of genetics and environment came together to create this remarkably strong and loving personality? I’m coming up with a big bang theory that only happens once every 20 billion years.

    Every once in awhile, I got up the nerve to ask her about dying. And if she was afraid. She said she wasn’t afraid of dying but that she was sad about leaving us because she knew she was going to miss us all so much.

    Sometimes I think we all feel a little perplexed. Why hasn’t she come back to visit us? Why can’t she make her presence come forward and let us know that she is with us? But I guess it could be that she had these conversations with us. There is no unfinished business.

    It’s just hard to let her go. (Not that we have a choice).

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